Francesca Bas
Written by: Francesca Bas
Volunteer and buddy at ISA Power
I was the happiest child you could find, my smile stamped on my face, my cheeks constantly hurting from the joy. Then suddenly I woke up one day with no friends, no passions, no motivation all of my vitals low and my heart rate at hospitalization. What happened?
“ED”
No, ED was not a toxic boyfriend or friend, ED was what I called my eating disorder, more specifically Anorexia Nervosa. ED came into my life slowly, I used ED to control my life, because ED’S feel like a problem solving vessel for everything. If you have a problem with school, work, family or stress ED is always yelling at you that he has the answer: restrict, workout, purge… However something I quickly learnt was that I was not the one in control. Actually I had no control and ED was controlling me.
Why do I make such a big deal about always saying ED and not ‘me’? Because one of the most important things I’ve learnt in recovery is you are not your disorder, lets say this out loud together, you are not your disorder. And although ED was not a toxic boyfriend, just like a toxic boyfriend ED needed to be kicked out of my life.
Francesca Bas
After seeing the shocking reality of my vitals, my parents decided to put me in an outpatient treatment, this means five days a week 7hrs a day treatment. I was scared but agreed. A few days before entering this program my parents get a call “Your daughter is too sick, we cannot take her here and we suggest you look into a residential facility”. WHAT!! At this point ED tricked me into thinking everything was fine, that this way of being was simply a lifestyle so I was scared and deeply confused to say the least. Nevertheless a few days after this shocking news I went into a residential facility, unfortunately this facility left me scared and made my ED much louder. The professionals here talked to me as if I was ED, already feeling so intertwined with ED this made him even more important and I continued making him my identity. Although this clinic helped with short term recovery and weight stabilization it only scratched the surface. Yes weight gain is important and showing patients that they are sick is important but in order to install long term healing and recovery it goes much much deeper then that. We must find our own personal want to recovery.
A few months after this I found my amazing!!!!! therapist, she saved my life. In our first session she told me Francesca, you are not your disorder. I had no idea what she was saying, I thought what do you mean Anorexia is all I think about, I don’t have any hobbies, friends, wants. Anorexia IS the largest part of my identity. She looked at me and said NO. Anorexia is a disorder, a mental illness, would you tell someone suffering with cancer that their cancer is their identity? I was left speechless and the rest of the session was mostly me trying to wrap my head around this concept.
Francesca Bas
This concept took months for me to truly believe, and it was hard but this concept was the beginning of my true recovery. My therapist helped me find my whys, what do I want out of this life and can I achieve it with ED. The answer is no. You are capable of so much, you can create your most fulfilling life but as much as you may feel you need to, you cannot carry out this fulfilled life with ED.
When I started truly finding my whys and detached myself from ED is when I started to truly recover. And wow it was hard and not a linear journey, with some, no, many back tracks but recovery isn’t about jumping to the top of the staircase. We aren’t super heroes! Recovery is taking it one step at a time and just because you take one step back, this doesn’t mean your at the bottom of the staircase its just one step. I am now the most happy, most fulfilled I have ever been and I would have never been able to get here without breaking up with ED.
I want to thank you for your bravery looking and asking for help is the hardest and most courageous thing we can do, you are loved.
You can find my Buddy Profile here.
