Gaining control of recovery by letting go of numbers
Control. Something most of us desire, studying hard in school to get that dream job, looking a little extra nice to get that girls attention. These are examples of healthy and normal manifestations of control. However, too much control ironically enough leaves us with less control then how we started. Eating disorders (ED’s) are an example of this ED’s often stem from wanting control. The illusion of control ED’s presents may start out small adding a few rules here and there with a sprinkle of guilt. But the more you listen to the ED the more power you give it, the more rules it creates and the more control it gets. Leaving you with no control, ED’s are sneaky this way. They disguise and introduce themselves as if they were giving you control when in reality as time progresses, we realize we have been put behind bars, quite the contrary of control.
Presenting themselves a little like this: “you will have control over food.” There are rules to distract you and compensating behaviors to keep your mind occupied. Frequently, people in ED recovery get riveted by planning how they are going to recover whilst still holding on to control. Controlling in ways like obsessing over recovery meal plans, being able to recite to you exactly when they will have to eat, what, and how much. This stems from fear, anxiety, and the sense that more knowledge leads to better control. Having this much control over meal plans and other aspects of recovery is a slippery slope that may lead back into an ED.
Again, folks with eating disorders often love control and rules, so it makes sense they want to know extensively about things like meal plans and numbers, right?
“If I know what I'm going to eat, I’ll be less anxious, when I'm less anxious I feel more in control and can better achieve my goals.”
A feeling I know so well, I started recovering from anorexia nervosa when I was sixteen, however in my first year of recovery, I made it my priority to know exactly what I was putting into my body, when, and how much. I genuinely thought this sense of control surrounding my meal plans was making me heal. This made me feel like although I was trying to let go of my ED I could remain in control. Let me tell you - although that year was the beginning mark of wanting to recover, I did a very little recovery. This is because I was still attached to the control, the numbers. Simply returning to normal weight or eating a certain amount does not equate to recovery. When I started letting go of my control surrounding food is when my true healing began, it’s not easy but it is so worth it, I believe in you and I know you can do it.
When we start recovery, we come from a place where our relationship to food is not the best and our hunger ques a little squid. You will regain a good relationship to food, and you will be able to eat what and you’re your body tells you; I believe in you. But before getting to that point it’s important to first build a stable relationship to food. This may take some time and that’s ok, it’s about one step at a time, one fear food, one meal at a time. Each one will not only bring you closer to recovery but build a friendship with your body where you can have trust with one another and regain hunger fullness and mind body hunger signals.
Recovery is not a numbers game
Eating disorders as we mentioned often stem from wanting control, right? So, the food and the physical are a mere consequence of the root of the issue. So only focusing on the numbers the food intake and number on the scale they don’t work at the root of ED. So, what if instead of asking questions about numbers we ask ourselves and our helpers (your coach, psychologist, or mum or dad or….) why do I want to recover, ask yourself and write it down. I know it might be hard but take a minute and try.
Welcome come back, this, whatever it is that you wrote, this is how you are going to recover. It all stems from you, you are in control of your recovery, let yourself be in control of your recovery by letting go of triggering questions that will make you stumble down the stairs like hyper-focusing on meal plans and workouts. Instead, ask yourself questions that make you keep going higher and higher like the one you just wrote now.
One day my therapist looked at me and said: “where do you see yourself 10 years from now?”
I proceeded to tell her my dream life full of adventures, success, family, love, friends, fun, traveling. She looked at me and said, that sounds beautiful, that life is waiting for you patiently. But, do you think you can achieve this life without letting go of the control your ED has over you? My answer was ‘no’ and this is where I started my true recovery and my true healing.
No more quazi recovery
I realized I had to let go of my numbers, of my control. So, no more limbo recovery for me. This was not easy, it felt like breaking up with a toxic boyfriend I had been dating for years. I use this metaphor of the toxic boyfriend because I'm sure most of you can relate to letting go of a toxic relationship in your life, whether it was a friendship or a romantic relationship, it probably wasn't easy, it likely took a lot of courage, of bravery and there was most likely a morning period. Not because you thought you should have kept that person in your life, but rather because you grew attached to them, they became a so called (dis)comfort in the home we call our mind and a staple in our life. Despite it being hard to let go of these people, how much better do you feel now? How much more empowered? How much more in control of leading a happy life? It is the same when we let go of our ED.
Recovery is not always easy, it can be frustrating but I promise it’s the most worth it path you will take, and letting go of numbers is one of the most essential keys to unlock to door of long-term recovery, you deserve it.
Article written by : Francesca Bas ISA Power intern
