“Sunday morning. I am off work today. Oh nooo, I am already awake, I really wanted to sleep in today. The later I get up, the less hungry I will get. What did I eat yesterday? Ok, I didn't have dinner, thats good, and lunch was also really small, just a tiny bit of couscous and veggies...
What's there for breakfast? I still have some wholegrain flakes and some juice I could mix it with, I really don't wanna eat dairy and maybe a slice of pineapple, but thats really it than...”
It didn't stay with a bowl of flakes and juice, I ended up defrosting all the bread I could find, eating some already half frozen. Eggs were cooking on the stove while I was plundering the fridge. After several times at the bathroom, trying to get all this food back out of my stomach, I finally went back to bed, trying to forget everything that just happened.
The most painful thing for me with bulimia was the fact that I was not in control anymore, I couldn't control my thoughts nor my actions. I felt like I got hacked, like having a mean virus in my mind, that operated completely against me and my well being.
Bulimia, like any other eating disorder, operates literally like a virus, a virus in our mind. First it appears very tempting and innocent, pretending to be your friend, promising a bright, skinny and happy future. But as soon as it's inside, it will take total control over you, your thoughts and your actions. I didn't want to purge anymore, believe me, my tummy was bloated, I tasted the bitterness of the bile on my tongue, my throat was hurting and my monthly period stopped.
My body was screaming for help, but I wasn't in control anymore, somebody else was playing with the strings of my puppet. But who is interfering with our game of life, who makes it so impossible for us to be happy?
The biggest lessen I had to learn was, that our mind will always try to trick us. It knows us better than we know ourself, it knows every single weak spot, all our fears and tiniest insecurities and it knows exactly in what moments we can't say NO. It will attack us when we are the most open and vulnerable, hiding behind the voice of our own thoughts.
It's a very sneaky game, because it's so difficult to get a clear head while getting bombarded from all sides with negativity. For me, it always felt like being in a cage without any possibility to escape, like sitting in my own prison. I remember hiding in my bed with the blanket over my head while tears were running down my cheeks, just wishing for it to stop or at least to fall a sleep.
It's very difficult to draw a line between our thoughts and our true self, because the thoughts will always try to get our attention, whether the moment is good or bad. They will try to get us out of the moment, separating us from what is really happening and instead trying to convince us that our legs are too big today for us to be happy.
You might ask yourself now: And what should be so great about this reality that I should be present? Or at least that's what I was thinking when I read something similar. The sober, but honest truth I had to come to realize was that my thoughts were very unstable. One day I was high because my tummy looked pretty flat and the next day I found myself hanging over the toilet seat already for the 4th time that day.
Isn't it weird how our thoughts decide wether we feel good or bad? How small changes can take us completely out of balance? Can take us from flying high to falling really deep and low?
At one point I had to ask myself, who is living this life? Am I in charge here or am I just an empty puppet dancing to the tones of my thoughts and moods?
Every time we give in to our thoughts, we forget that there is also a third door we can choose to walk through. A third option that doesn't lead to good or bad because of some external or physical changes. By choosing to walk through that door we choose to love ourself for a moment and we choose to be happy.
I believe happiness is not something we can achieve or wish for, happiness is something we choose to be, by doing things that are good for us. It is something everybody is allowed to experience, it doesn't cost anything, you don't have to be at any specific place, you don't have to wear the newest clothes and you don't have to sit in the latest vegan hotspot. You can experience it right now.
I had to remind myself constantly that happiness is like a birth right we all get born with. It doesn't need no extra, it doesn't need no trigger or reason, it's there, always.
Think of a moment you were really happy, maybe jumping over the gras or dancing alone in your room. You made that moment to be a nice moment, you did that, nobody else. If you could do that in the past, it also means, that you can still access it. It just needs to be recognized, don't through it away, because it's more beautiful than any perfect body, it's a feeling inside of you that can't be bought nor can't it disappear, its just been covered with layers and layers of wrong belief systems.
Break free from you cave, because there is a whole life waiting for you, that wants to be lived.
The way to do is to be, or thats at least what Taoists have to say about all this and I believe it's worth a try.